January « 2010 « Maxafication-ize Your Life

To Tell a Friend or Not?

You have a friend. You have observed something that your friend should change that will really help them if it is received. Though you are not sure of several things:

These are often the things that our friends go through when having to share something important about us, to us.
Let me say if you are asking yourself these questions, Congratulations! You are a friend. I have heard of several ways people think of sharing information to a friend about themselves. This may have gone through your mind as well.
Here is how some of it goes.

If they are really my friend, they will hear me out?

Be careful depending on the day, week, and month; and how the other parts of your friend’s life is going. You may become the outlet for their frustration. Pick and choose the time of your sharing during a not so sensitive time.

I won’t say anything and that way nothing will happen.

Think again. If it is something you see in your friend, others do as well. Others who are not friends will not be careful or tactful in how they share the information with your friend. The key is you will be there after the information is shared. They will not.

They never listen to me anyway

This may seem to be justified, but only seems. Your friend many times hears what you say even though they may not acknowledge it; though if they do not hear you out, you may need to evaluate your friendship. The point is you still have to try.

Why does it have to be me who tells them?

Hey stop being playing the victim! Friendship is not without responsibility. That is why it is so cherished. It is not just about the fun and good times. It is during the worst times that you are most valuable. With anything valuable there is risk. Here is where I get to use one of my wise sayings.

“A friend is a person who tells you the truth, yet if it hurts, is willing to share the pain with you”

Don’t forget your value is that you don’t run at the first sign of rain. Stick with your friend. If they don’t hear you and desire to break it off. Don’t despair, give it time. You may find you have a more valuable and deeper relationship in the future.

Final word is to remember to give the same you would expect and then add a bit more patience, love, kindness, and honesty.

Do you agree or am I just “Lost in Space”. Tell me how you cope with giving a friend touchy advise?

Choice in Crisis

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Response to events that take place with mental and emotional impacts is the opportunity to use one of the greatest leverages we have to protect ourselves. That leverage is called choice.

Habitual Mechanism Response
During times in which our public and private worlds experience upheaval we find ourselves pushed and pulled in different directions. We manage and fight against some of the upheaval by having a routine. Getting up from sleep, bathing/grooming, eating a pop tart, reading the newspaper, driving to work, working, returning participating in an evening activity, children’s homework, and going to bed. Certainly not the same in all of our lives but there are probably common elements. This is one of the ways we control our reaction to events; a way to create some normalcy in our lives. Other ways include times of prayer and/or meditation. We place ourselves into hobbies or projects. These are healthy ways we build up ourselves to handle mental and emotional negative events.

Breakdown
Sometimes the event is so unexpected or traumatic that our routines and habits cannot rescue us from the shock to our life. A loss of job, death of a loved one, divorce, break up of a friendship are examples that can seem like an overwhelming giant. This can also include effects of natural disasters, acts of violence, aging, medical and mental health issues. So how do we keep going when it seems like the odds become so overwhelming?

Being for Real
First let me be very clear about what I am going to say. Often advice is suggested to be helpful, but can appear condescending, nonchalant, shallow, insensitive, and have the indication that the person offering the advice (me, in this case) leads a charmed life with no clue of what people are going through. Another way that seems detached is to try to convince the reader that nothing really happened to them and they just have to “wish” it away. The advice I am offering here works best when you have a basic structure to work with. Without that structure, more in depth help is needed because the foundation is severely missing strength. I am still stating even if that is the case, what I am about to state can still be helpful, even to foundationless.

Choice Response Mechanism
I used to believe everyone had an understanding that one of the things that they have in life is the right to make choices. I am not referring to those held against their will or any of the areas where someone like a child is subjected to parental abuse. I am saying that most of us reach an age or point where choice can be used to shape our future. In a reflection of our past or a choice can be used to travel roads that give us a different experience from our past.
Choice, as used in the writing is about building a response mechanism that can be triggered when we have an event that impacts us mentally or emotionally in a negative manner. Having a choice means that we use the power of decision to determine how we desire to respond to protect our mind while we cope with the event and what happens thereafter.
I would like to share with how I do this.

“I decide I only know what I know” – this means I do not speculate on what may, could, or did happen without the facts. This protects my mind from amplifying any fear I may feel. Amplified fear can cause you to do more harm to you and others than the event. It also may paralyze you to act when action is most needed at that time.

“I ask myself, how do I want to feel” – I believe this step is so important because it positions you to not be driven into an events negativity but allows you the chance to pause and consider options. Some would ask me does this make you devoid of emotions. My answer is no. It just allows me to choose the emotions I will empower at that time.

“I choose to _______ ” – this is where I have considered options and whether I allow fear, happiness, peace, insanity, joy, seriousness, or quiet. It is a choice I made and therefore I have set my direction as opposed to being driven in a direction. The fact that you did not give up mental control is healthy in and of itself.

Final Words
Choice works best when exercised in mini events in preparation for unexpected ones. Don’t wait until you encounter change or suffer loss. Empathize with others and think about how you would feel and how you might face the same event. This practice will be invaluable to using the steps above.

How do you cope with unexpected change? Share a comment on this article.

Is Time Getting Away From You

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: Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever noticed that time seems to be speeding up as you become older? Yet when you were younger time seemed to pass slowly? When you are young the events of life are many times simple and not as full of mental, emotional, and physical stresses. The more you fill the space of time and become familiar with demands on your time (this happens as you get older). The faster time seems to speed up.

This is really just an evolution of awareness. Much like when you purchase a car. You tend to be more aware of all the cars like yours. This is because your awareness has increased. So time is not speeding up. At least it is the same for a 7 year old and a 40 year old living at the same time. Our sensitivity to what can be done in time (between the need for sleep, interaction, food) is acute as we work in it. What makes time so sensitive is that we increasingly realize limitations of what might be accomplished.

Time is a space of life in which we carry out more or less life actions. Those actions can squander our time or invest it to see gratification or the promise of it.

Here are 10 things you can do to use your time in a way that says you are filling it with meaningful actions:

Direction for Your Life

2. Don’t be hindered by how much time it will take to accomplish your desire. Any worthwhile goal carries a value in moving forward even if it must be finished by someone else.

3. Leave off spending a lot of time in any relationships not essential to reaching your goal. Be polite, sincere, and nice. Just go on a “diet” with the time you spend with others.

4. Find someone who has done what you desire to do and study them. Study them from afar and up close. Correspond with them. Interview them if possible. Read what they have written. Just remember, prepare 20 minutes for every 5 minutes of their time. They can tell when you genuinely want to know by your preparation.

5. Create a plan of action. Step by step. Measure your progress by numbering the steps and setting a time target to accomplish the plan. You will sometimes have to adjust your time line, but do not change the steps unless you find the step to be a waste in reaching your goal.

6. Place reminders of your goals consistently around you. On your voicemail. In your car. On your refrigerator. Carry a letter to yourself in your pocket about what you decided to accomplish.

7. Interpret failures as the education you receive to learn how to adjust use of your time.

8. Your success is not dependent on anyone else. Others will play a part in your success, but you should ultimately never stop carrying responsibility. Work at it.

9. Meditate and day dream about your accomplishment to replenish your passion for what can be.

10. Do not forget to laugh. Laughter is a release and re-energizer when your emotions need a break. Take a laugh break!

I am sure you have other ways of using time wisely. What are 2 or 3 things you think can enhance how we use time? Share your comments with other readers. I would love to hear from you directly.

Maxafication-ize Your Life

Choice in Crisis

Is Time Getting Away From You

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