Photo tribute to Bo Gordy-Stith

It is hot outside! This is not just meant actually, but figuratively as well.  Summer is a time when tempers tend to flare resulting in physical, emotional, and mental stress. This stress can end or damage long term relationships and sabotage others before two persons can become acquainted.  

When conversations and other interactions between two people become heated, we have to find a way of cooling off.; just like we cool off at the pool in the summer heat. The idea is to stay as cool as possible in both situations.

A great way to cool off is stay hydrated in the first place. The essence of hydration in relationships is to make sure communication is often and positive. When you find yourself getting irritated began to make sure you are seeking to understand the other person before you seek to be understood.

Another way to cool off is by controlling your surroundings. Many times changing the location where your interaction takes place can keep things in a cooled down atmosphere. Try to interact at a location where no one has an advantage over the other.

Cooling down involves becoming quiet to extinguish the flames of anger. A variation of being quiet that cools things down is by lowering your voice so that it is not intimidating, menacing, or negative. Keeping your the voice light, cheery and positive goes a long way to keeping the heat from being damaging to your relationship.

So the question becomes what do you do when the anger has erupted and you are in midst of a conflagration?  It is at this time that you must recognize you are in an emergency. This will call for a great level of understanding emotions.  At this state of high agitation the flames are fueled by emotions. The communication may be causing each person to feel they are personally being attacked. 

The greatest person you can control in an emergency is only yourself. Do not try to control the other person.

Emotional energy is like not like a light switch. Once ignited, you cannot just “turn it off”. 

As you calm down you must allow the other party to burn out.  As you show regret, understanding of what the other person is feeling, and that you are willing to let them vent, you began to remove the fuel you were providing to the heat.

Keep your cool and strengthen your relationships.

Now it is your turn. Share with me ways you keep your relationships peaceful?

Crying Soldier credit to Brandon Glass and Unkown Artist

We have heard the phrase, “Stop being so emotional”. This could mean you are overboard in your reaction or in most cases it means your expression of emotion makes me or someone else uncomfortable. Attempting to cut off emotions causes a person to be wound to tight.

Remember the 1850’s up to 1960’s where women wore layers upon layers of under garments? There was a piece of clothing called a corset (men had their version as well). It was used to contract the stomach up to chest area. By use of a piece of cloth with strings attached. The cloth was placed in the front and strings tied in the back. The draw strings were pulled tightly as possible. It was made to control and constrict the shape of the person. The corset was responsible for many a “fainting spell” because it squeezed the life out of you. Without expression of emotion the same thing happens to a person.

While I do appreciate calmness when it best serves the situation, it is emotions that give the expression that allows emphasis on events, people, and places. Emotions we express are a part of the communication to gauge the level of importance of a matter. An example of this is a cry for help that one is in danger. Another communication is the tone that equates to a purr of pleasure between two people.

Emotions help to maintain health during stressful times. Crying is an example where emotions allow a release of tension. Emotions allow us to lift another person or keep their feet on the ground. Emotions expressed are the spice that accents our communicative personality.

Emotions are responsible for the passion in the arts. Emotions fired the flame of civil rights marches of the 50’s and 60’s. Games are won and loss based on emotions because they are transferable when expressed to other teammates. Without emotions how do I express danger, happiness, anger, or even affection? Being “caught up” in emotion has had its downsides as well. Yet emotions are responsible for a POW being able to make it through a torturous time because of love for family and country.

It is when your emotions and expressions of thoughts, internal feelings, and convictions are unified that we see miracles take place. Faith takes place at this point and something comes alive in us. Emotions are many times the bridge linking together logic when the impossible needs to be crossed.

Let me know if this posting was helpful by sharing your comments.

Credit goes to marie-ll

Now don’t get me wrong. Each success story requires a time the person had a personal, business or both obstacles they had to overcome. Yet there are always contributions from others that are crucial to success.

Here are 7 ways to enhance your network that I have found to be enormously rewarding.

The reasons are varied. If you are in business you need customers, a church needs members, PTA’s need parents, looking for that special person to marry, moving to a new area leaves a friendship hole to fill, and maybe you just need the input of a mentor. No matter which of these or other reasons you may have, we all need to know it is all about expanding our networks.

Go where people are! This refers to physical and virtual locations. You cannot expand your network or “meet other people” by just watching television or even surfing the net.

Find relatives you don’t know. In most families there is a network that has broken down. One of the joys I have is searching for relatives I did not know existed. How? By talking with the relatives I know. You will many times find a friend and maybe a cousin for life!

Keep a “Person” card on you! Businesses are not the only ones that advertise. You can have a personal card that represents, guess who? You. It contains information you want to give out and it makes you memorable, and more so when you put your picture on it. Oh yeah! Do not forget to give it out.

Start by saying Hi and smiling. If you are timid to meeting others practice by just saying a “Hi” and smiling. Get used to others smiling back and saying “Hi” as well. It will make you more comfortable. Engaging and interacting with others gets easier with time.

Meet people as you live life. Anywhere you are in line or having to wait is an opportunity to meet others. You can meet people at the grocery store, post office, schools, restaurants, etc. When you have the “Hi” and smile down pat ask the person where they are from. When someone answers you, most times they will ask where you are from and a conversation begins.

Keep in touch with others. It is okay to call, email, Facebook, or tweet those you know. Just check to see how they are doing, but do not wear out your welcome. Many times you both will have something to share with the other that is of interest.

Introduce your networks to each other. Share your acquaintances and friends with each other. Sometimes that is the value you will bring to the relationship. Believe me you will be appreciated. Do not be selfish, share.

I would love to hear your comments on these and other ways of enhancing your networks.

Some give their money for this attention, some their time, some their self-respect, and others even their bodies. We will try to get this interaction from others even when we actually pay a high price; for this feeling of closeness, well being, and appreciation.

This is why when we receive these things in a mutually selfless exchange we must treat those relationships as the gems they are; full of value, energy, strength, enduring, and special

.

Some of the relationships we can handle for a short time and then the interaction weighs on us. Other relationships energize us. Those two are the ones we have a choice about. When it comes to relatives sometimes the choice of whether to interact or not is actually taken away and we just have to do the best we can.

No matter what situation you find yourself in cherish the relationships and always look for what you can learn and possibly avoid at the worst. At the best find what we can duplicate and do it over and over again.

Even the relationships that are the most harmful should cause us to appreciate the ones that are just average. In some interactions we act as if there is all the time in the world to fight, injure, fume, ignore, and not forgive. Don’t spend your time in this way. Make up or at the least forgive and let it go. This helps make room for the relationship that will energize you.

In all relationships consider bringing out the best you can in another person. Can you add anything? Many times we seek to reap from a relationship we have sown into. Trust God to be faithful. When you sow without the need to be rewarded from the person you sowed into, you will find many streams of friendship that you reap from where you have not invested any, time, effort, or money.
Here are some of my ways of cherishing relationships.

Past Relationships
One of the ways I like to cherish past relationships is by replaying good times in my mind of the persons of which I interact. I remember a laugh, a joke, sometimes even a suspenseful episode. When the relationship was not good I cherish the memory of leaving that relationship and the relief I felt. It is important though to leave a relationship with integrity of knowing you tried to create the best memories you can so that we are not hostage to guilt of not trying.

Present Relationships
One way I cherish present relationships is to truly be present when I am with someone. I try to not have divided attention even to the point I deliberately say in my mind and with my eyes, “You are important to me”. I don’t base the relationship on whether the person accepts or likes me. I try to look at what is positive about them and focus there. That does not make me blind to the shortcomings; it just says I recognize I may not be the best banana in the bunch either. I end toxic relationships more quickly as I learn to recognize when someone is so hurt and drowning that without professional help they just pull everyone else down. No matter what, I make sure to pray to God for them because sometimes that is best way of cherishing the relationship.

Future Relationships
I cherish future relationships by becoming grounded, wiser, ever investing in who I am. This helps me to become a solid person for future positive relationships to be appreciated. It prepares me as well for those that don’t go so well because I am not as easily depleted. Moving forward with the attitude that I have still many interesting people to meet and when I think I have seen it all I will be surprised again. I smile and speak to all I encounter. It is always a good start.

Remember a friend is someone who knows the skeletons in the closet and still desires to be your friend.

Share with me some of the ways you cherish your relationships?

How will the friend react to the information?
Are they aware of what is going on?
Will they ignore the information?
Will they resent you for telling them?
Does this spell the end of your friendship?
Will this information hurt them and cause pain?

These are often the things that our friends go through when having to share something important about us, to us.
Let me say if you are asking yourself these questions, Congratulations! You are a friend. I have heard of several ways people think of sharing information to a friend about themselves. This may have gone through your mind as well.
Here is how some of it goes.

If they are really my friend, they will hear me out?

I won’t say anything and that way nothing will happen.

Think again. If it is something you see in your friend, others do as well. Others who are not friends will not be careful or tactful in how they share the information with your friend. The key is you will be there after the information is shared. They will not.

They never listen to me anyway

This may seem to be justified, but only seems. Your friend many times hears what you say even though they may not acknowledge it; though if they do not hear you out, you may need to evaluate your friendship. The point is you still have to try.

Why does it have to be me who tells them?

Hey stop being playing the victim! Friendship is not without responsibility. That is why it is so cherished. It is not just about the fun and good times. It is during the worst times that you are most valuable. With anything valuable there is risk. Here is where I get to use one of my wise sayings.

“A friend is a person who tells you the truth, yet if it hurts, is willing to share the pain with you”

Don’t forget your value is that you don’t run at the first sign of rain. Stick with your friend. If they don’t hear you and desire to break it off. Don’t despair, give it time. You may find you have a more valuable and deeper relationship in the future.

Final word is to remember to give the same you would expect and then add a bit more patience, love, kindness, and honesty.

Do you agree or am I just “Lost in Space”. Tell me how you cope with giving a friend touchy advise?

Remember to:

HUG, FORGIVE, SACRAFICE, SMILE, MAKE PEACE, RELATE, SHARE, WISH, PLAN, REJOICE, PRAY, HOLD

LIVE THIS DAY AS IF YOU WOULD

NOT

GET TO SEE ANOTHER LIKE IT

All of a sudden a line of thought came to me so strong that it changed the direction of what I would post next. Here we go!

Influence is sought for many different reasons. Among those reasons are to be heard, for recognition, protection, revenge, advancement, and so on. People seek to gain influence through different means as well. Some of the ways people seek to gain influence are through legal, criminal, educational, family ties, and monetary means.

Submission: A bad word?
One of the greatest ways influence is achieved is through submission. Sometimes we don’t like this term because it conjures nightmares of being at whim of someone who takes advantage or is abusive by misuse of authority. I find that many brides and grooms now agree to omit the traditional word’s spoken in weddings, “to love?” Yes, but “to obey?” Not in this life! Why is there such an aversion to this word submission?

Besides the obvious potential of abuse; I believe that we have placed such a high view of independence that we have ignorantly, to our own hurt, ignored our interdependencies. We tend to not acknowledge our differences and contributions in the name of being fair and equal. We are forgetting the truth that we are born in different families, have different physical attributes, economics, mentalities, and social norms. I am not saying that there is not a baseline of human dignity and respect we should share. I am saying we try to make people fit in a place that many times cause them to miss the opportunity of where they should be. All in the name of the illusion called fairness.

Real Deal
Submission is one of the ways we acknowledge the role someone plays in out lives and how we impact the lives of others. Submission says I am willing to have a relation where I can learn, lean on, be protected, encouraged, and still I have to make contributions to this relationship. Submission does not say who is better. Submission recognizes the roles of those in relation to one another.

I submit to the laws of the USA to be able to enjoy the privileges of living within its borders. This does not diminish me. It defines the relationship we have and the roles in which each behave. Submission is not the absence of disagreement; but the acceptance that someone must have the role to make a decision to move any relationship forward with a high understanding that those in submission must be respected and protected. Submission is not about who is better, but who is better suited in a position to move the relationship forward. Sometimes whom the decision originates from may change depending on the variables confronting the relationship. Yet there must be an overall role definition for clear communication of responsibility. This is to the benefit of both in the relationship.

Don’t Tread On Me
Submission says I am in a position to influence the one to whom I submit, because there is a relationship. It allows me the power to not be ignored. Think about this. Even when we choose to not submit because abuse is occurring we are able to secure independence because we know the strength and the weakness of the abuser. This knowledge allows us to release ourselves from the relationship. This fact is itself a threat that is a caution to the one in the role of teacher, protector, mentor, provider, and securer to beware that submission is granted as a privilege to not be abused.

Submission is what allows work and achievement to take place. Someone has to lead according to responsibility, ability, and cooperation. Others then compliment the leadership so that success is achieved and shared in the relationship. Yet the complimentary has great influence because the leader relies upon them for what the leader’s vision cannot see.

Secret of Influence of Submission
Submission is one of the greatest secrets to gain influence because it sends a message of cooperation and not disruption. Find someone you admire and that admires you. Find someone who can teach you and is willing to do so. Find someone who is willing to love and be devoted to you. You do have to exercise a degree of discernment in deciding if someone has a high enough credibility to receive your submission. If so, submit to them and you will inherit some of their influence to enhance your life and in time someone will trust you with the privilege of nurturing their gift of submission.

Final Word
A message to the leaders, mentors, teachers, coaches, and yes, husbands. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to recognize the responsibility and value of trust from those who are in submission to you. Take care. Your future may be in the power of their influence.

I would love to hear from you, whether in agreement or disagreement. Let’s hear your side.

Part of improving oneself leads to becoming powerful. Part of how power is used is improving your quality of life and the life of those around you. Let’s talk about the relationship between power and forgiveness. Forgiveness has had a bad rap because it tends to be associated with weakness, crying, and giving in to hurt.

Sometimes it is even characterized as having to give up something when you actually don’t feel very forgiving. This is normally when you feel justice is important. You ask, of no one in particular, why do I have to do the forgiving, why should someone else be let off the hook? The wrong can be so harmful that the offending party asked for you to forgive them but you cannot forgive because you believe the wrong has not been made right. Until it has been made right you can’t see why you would need to forgive them or even why they would ask you to.

Normally someone asks for forgiveness from you and you decide whether to grant forgiveness. This is one type of interaction of forgiveness. In this case you and the person you forgive acknowledge that an offense has taken place. You release the person from a continual penalty as a result of that offense. In other words you accept them by moving the offense from affecting the future of your positive relationship with the offender. That transaction is awesome but places you in a very responsive mode. What do you do when there is nothing to respond to and yet you need to resolve the pain alone. These are times where the person may not be around to acknowledge the offense. The offender may not be alive. The offender may be physically out of communication. The offender may not even know you are offended. Unresolved, this leads to anger.

Anger has a way of causing you to dwell on the injustice done to you. If you never have meditated in your life this is a time you seem to religiously focus on replaying the offense over and over in your mind. Sometimes bitterness sets in and changes your disposition. It can become poison that seeps into your other relationships, profession, and dreams. The anger can blind you to opportunities of love, affection, acceptance, recognition, and approval. What I am getting to is forgiveness really has nothing to do with the offender acknowledging their wrong and seeking reconciliation with you or me.

I recently went through a situation where things I did to aid were characterized as evil, manipulative, political, dishonest, and self-serving. Two roads stood before me. I could be hurt, surprised, angry, and personally offended seeking justice. Yet I knew from past experience that anger left unchecked will turn to bitterness. In turn this would become a jail cell of my own making. Sure it may feel good to lash out. To fight to justify my feelings, especially when I so clearly saw the wrongness of the offender; yet I took another road.

First you have to make a decision about your life before being able to forgive others when wronged by them. You may never hear an, “I am sorry, forgive me” from the offender. This is the decision I made. No one would ever determine my decision of how I choose to think about a person, place or subject. Though information can be presented to cause me to lean one way in my thoughts versus another; I vowed to not give up my right to make the final decision on how I would think and feel.

I was able to forgive not because I was blind to injustice. I forgave because I knew I did not bear responsibility for the offender’s actions and that their actions are not controlled by me. I understood they are fallible like me. I certainly did not want to allow their actions to take up any more residence in my mind. I did not want the experience to fill my mind with negative thoughts and feelings. My hope is that they change their behavior. Yet, if they did not, I could always remove myself and if they did change I would be of right mind to encourage the change. No matter the outcome, I would decide what occupied my thoughts. So I forgave and let the experience become history. I began a new chapter because life was meant to spend living, not dying.

Does this mean I forget? No. It just means I remain free and not entangled with serving a long term sentence of emotional incarceration. You don’t need for someone to ask for forgiveness, when it is already in your God given privilege to grant forgiveness. Be powerful, take charge and release yourself.

Share with me in your comments of your hardship and your triumphs in forgiving others. God bless you!

We all have had times we wanted to let someone know something, that we thought would make them better. In some cases we are timid and decide not to communicate that we felt something was wrong. Other times we moved forward with confidence that certainly the person would see the wisdom of our logic and agree. It stung when the reaction was as if you had slapped the person in the face. That is certainly not the reaction you are expecting to receive.

Almost everyone I know has received or given criticism at one time or another. Many have found that it often did not turn out to be a pleasant experience. I would say the reason for the negative experience is criticism has a built in sign that infers I am better than you. It also raises a defensive note in the other person which says you are not better than me. In other words, “Who are you to tell me how to improve myself? Remember, construction builds me up and does not tear me down. That is demolition.”

That is the real question when giving constructive criticism that must first be answered. “Who” are you?” Before we deal with the “Who” are you, I want to make sure that we understand calling something constructive while not building up the person is just like trying to turn a duck into a swan. It just will not work.

Back to the “Who”. Who you are is a question of relationship you have with the person you are speaking with. Even if the relationship is boss to employee, parent to child, pastor to congregant, teacher to student; titles and positions will only take you so far in what you can say to another person. Who you are must go beyond a position and speak to experience, trust, familiarity, goodwill, and time spent in relationship building that has withstood the test of time.

Define the identity of “Who”, you are in a relationship and that will decide if you have the right to give constructive criticism. So there is no need to be shocked when your advice is rejected. Maybe you forgot to make sure “Who” you are to the person you criticized.

Look at one of my original quotes (most are original).
“Unsolicited criticism, however constructive, will only rest well, if measured out on a thick mattress constructed out of a relationship of trust and love”

First get permission to give constructive criticism.

Literally ask, “Do you mind if I offer a suggestion about______”. This is a way of not assuming that you have more credibility than you think. It preserves the relationship while getting the okay to move forward. Should the person you are speaking with decide they are not open to receiving the information, you have not damaged the relationship beyond repair. Also it will tend to keep you from an unpleasant response. This is a way to let someone know you respect them. Hopefully this will help you from encountering a “Who do you think you are?” expression. You are not trying to use positional power here but relational power.

Next make sure you have gotten to know the person well enough for them to trust you and feel comfortable around you.

Has your relationship been one that has been tested before? Have you built trust by doing something for them because you could when you did not have to? Of course this has to be something valuable to the individual. Yet the principle is clear. You are building the definition of “Who” you are in the relationship.

Thirdly, let time bring about events that create valuable interaction.

What are some of the ways you give criticism? How did you go about? How was it received? Share a comment about your experience!

So over several years I watched my wife jump through all types of hoops to get her weight down. I saw her start diets and stop. I watched her deal with the issues related to her health. Her health was slowly deteriorating, making a comeback even more difficult. I watched her craftily use clothing to accent her best attributes. She had to deal with where she could sit and not sit on a plane. Shopping amongst a small selection, trying to make magic happen with what plus size stores have to offer; as compared to shopping at regular department stores with hundreds of selections. Weight as well can affect intimacy. What I am saying here is many things are taken for granted but are everyday obstacles to those in the battle of weight control.

There is a myth about weight loss. It goes like this. If she (or he) really wanted to lose weight they would do it and stick to it. That is just someone who is ignorant about the complexities of why people do what they do. Cigarettes, alcohol, over-the-counter drugs, illegal drugs, sex and many other things are loaded with reasons why these habits are not easy to break. All of them call for finding the real reason and then work for an internal change that grows into a lifestyle. A lot of times this will mean professional help. Some may need different types of tools than others to make it work.

I accompanied my wife to nutritionist, doctors, psychologist, and special clinics. Don’t take these persons for granted. They will often become your wife’s backup team to reinforce an atmosphere of change. The key is that I was willing to go through it with her. When she cried I held her. When she was angry I would not argue back because I realized the real argument was taking place internally. When it seemed like her actions were totally contradicting to what she said her desire was I accepted it. I became the person she could talk to about it. Though I will tell you she was very secretive and I had to make sure that I did not push her when she did not want to share.

Your experience may not be the same as mine. I am just trying to say that there is a way to get through this without going crazy and driving a wedge in your marriage. Be careful not to judge so quickly. You will many times find yourself in a similar situation where someone must work with you. Oh yes, when none of the things I stated before worked for me, I did the thing you do whenever you are in a battle for your life and don’t know what to do. I prayed. Why? Because that is what you do when you run out of answers and need a miracle intervention.

The outcome of the years is that my wife’s lifestyle did change. She won her battle. I have a healthier and happier wife. We did not lose our relationship and she knows I am her number 1 fan. She is able to do so many things and is more confident. I would venture to say it was the journey that made her this way and the result was weight loss. But what if she did not find her way to a solution? I would have continued to love her anyway and continue believing in her. If I exhausted all the positive things I know. Then I would again, pray.

By the way you may have noticed. Much of this is good for handling other changes in couples as well.

http://www.luvcube.com/live-love/spouse-gaining-weight.htm Tips on how to help your partner if she or he becomes overweight/obese

http://www.mynippon.com/RomanceNews0120/story8.htm How to motivate an obese spouse or family member to lose weight?

An interesting conversation http://www.queendom.com/advices/advice.htm?advice=145

Thanks for listening.
I would love to get your comments on this post. Send it to a friend that may need it.