Earn the Right to Give Constructive Criticism

We all have had times we wanted to let someone know something, that we thought would make them better. In some cases we are timid and decide not to communicate that we felt something was wrong. Other times we moved forward with confidence that certainly the person would see the wisdom of our logic and agree. It stung when the reaction was as if you had slapped the person in the face. That is certainly not the reaction you are expecting to receive.

Almost everyone I know has received or given criticism at one time or another. Many have found that it often did not turn out to be a pleasant experience. I would say the reason for the negative experience is criticism has a built in sign that infers I am better than you. It also raises a defensive note in the other person which says you are not better than me. In other words, “Who are you to tell me how to improve myself? Remember, construction builds me up and does not tear me down. That is demolition.”

That is the real question when giving constructive criticism that must first be answered. “Who” are you?” Before we deal with the “Who” are you, I want to make sure that we understand calling something constructive while not building up the person is just like trying to turn a duck into a swan. It just will not work.

Back to the “Who”. Who you are is a question of relationship you have with the person you are speaking with. Even if the relationship is boss to employee, parent to child, pastor to congregant, teacher to student; titles and positions will only take you so far in what you can say to another person. Who you are must go beyond a position and speak to experience, trust, familiarity, goodwill, and time spent in relationship building that has withstood the test of time.

Define the identity of “Who”, you are in a relationship and that will decide if you have the right to give constructive criticism. So there is no need to be shocked when your advice is rejected. Maybe you forgot to make sure “Who” you are to the person you criticized.

Look at one of my original quotes (most are original).
“Unsolicited criticism, however constructive, will only rest well, if measured out on a thick mattress constructed out of a relationship of trust and love”

First get permission to give constructive criticism.

Literally ask, “Do you mind if I offer a suggestion about______”. This is a way of not assuming that you have more credibility than you think. It preserves the relationship while getting the okay to move forward. Should the person you are speaking with decide they are not open to receiving the information, you have not damaged the relationship beyond repair. Also it will tend to keep you from an unpleasant response. This is a way to let someone know you respect them. Hopefully this will help you from encountering a “Who do you think you are?” expression. You are not trying to use positional power here but relational power.

Next make sure you have gotten to know the person well enough for them to trust you and feel comfortable around you.

Has your relationship been one that has been tested before? Have you built trust by doing something for them because you could when you did not have to? Of course this has to be something valuable to the individual. Yet the principle is clear. You are building the definition of “Who” you are in the relationship.

Thirdly, let time bring about events that create valuable interaction.

Nothing speaks about “Who” you are like being consistent in different changes that life may bring into your relationships. These things will strengthen your relationship over time. This is where the “thick mattress” is made out of the experiences in which you become trustworthy. This is when someone knows you are investing and appreciating (raising value) in them. After enough creation of positive ties with yourself and the person you are interacting with then the occasional “constructive” criticism will be based on a strong relationship of “Who” you are to them. Many times you will be sought out and the criticism will no longer qualify as “unsolicited”. As with anything else practice is what creates the best success.

What are some of the ways you give criticism? How did you go about? How was it received? Share a comment about your experience!

---

 Hi! My name is Vonzel Sawyer. I am a husband, father, and grandfather. I started blogging to share from my experience, knowledge, wisdom, instruction, and understanding to help persons maxamize and magnify the positive in their life. That is why I used the terms "maximum" and "magnification" and combined them into a single word "maxafication". Just like something can be magnetized or winterized. I want to impact people to live largely and fully each day!

---